I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
