I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
