fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Please don't give away my fajitas
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