woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
