when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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