remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
please don't ironically join a cult
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