i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
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She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
A bitchslap is in order.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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