I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
