I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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