I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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