it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
