i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
