Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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