you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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