It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
