No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
