I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
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I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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