You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
