A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
