I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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