Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
