I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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