I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
