Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think I have vodka in my lungs
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
