Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
