you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
