I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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