Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
MIDGETS
????
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
