Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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