closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
