There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
