she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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