Need sex. Gaining weight.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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