Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
