Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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