I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I need moral support for this bender
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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