i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
