I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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