i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
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