And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
