We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
