After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
