it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
