Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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