i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
