you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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