I could have mohawked her pubes.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
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like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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