Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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