he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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