I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
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I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
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how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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