dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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