I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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