I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
