Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
