i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
