The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
