i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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