I'm going to jail i love you
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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