so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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