He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
