I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
