Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
