I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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